Tuesday, April 13, 2010

1066 & All That

William the Conqueror

As William was preparing to paddle over, Harold had a spot of trouble up north w/ his troublesome brother, Tostig, who thunk HE should be king. He allied w/ a Viking dude named Harald Hardrada & supported his invasion of England.  Harold hurried over & trounced them soundly at the battle of Stamford Bridge.  He was no sooner done w/ wiping the sweat off his brow when word came that the Bastard had landed down south.  So he glared at his bro's corpse & sighed & turned his peeps around for the long march back.  Twas accomplished much faster than William expected & he was barely ready to battle when Harold's forces arrived.

That whole Bayeux Tapestry thing says Harold took an arrow in the eye at Hastings OUCH that's gotta hurt. But really we dunno b/c said tapestry is 11dy6,000 yrs old & been repaired so many times no one can make out what it originally looked like. So then the Duke of Normandy became William the Conqueror b/c he conquered. Ruthlessly. William was not a nice guy. Peeps quickly learned one did not say pffft to William b/c he meant bidness. Even the blue peeps were afeared & decided to just eat haggis & no more steaks & burgers. William had an iron fist & smacked down regularly. He was back n forth btwn his 2 domains kicking backsides right & left. Btwn warring he dummied up to the feast table. A lot. He got beyond tubby. He was so fat that somehow he managed to get his saddle horn stuck in his guts! You didn't want a belly wound in those days when no one even washed their hands b4 operating nosireee. So the Conquerer 1st demised & then....


Seriously. He was so fat he could barely fit in his coffin & was crammed in as best as could be done & the next morn peeps filed in for the funeral & ran back out again puking b/c William was so fat & gassy that he practically blew the lid off & was leaking all over the floor in a malodorous fashion. This was not a good time to be selected as pallbearer. Imagine the mess YUCK.

William's oldest son Robert got to be Duke of Normandy & his 2nd son William got to be King of England. They were OK w/ such an arrangement, tho the younger kids were a bit irked. William was called Rufus b/c he had red hair & a hot temper like Dad. He said pffft to the notion that he should take a bride & breed up little Rufuses & twas rumored he was batting for the other team. William Rufus didn't get to be king very long b/c one day he went out hunting in the New Forest & got shot w/ an arrow. O the irony if the Harold tale is true, huh? His little brother Henry promptly scampered over to Westminster to secure the treasury & proclaimed his good self King of England. Robert was a bit miffed but Henry said pffft & hurled him in prison for a long, long time, until he was like 82 yrs old & finally demised of sheer boredom.....

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